Read My Novel, Free: Chapter 15

on Friday, April 27, 2012

It's great you're still here. Thanks. Enjoy the read.


I posted Chapter 1 on 13 January and following chapters appear each Friday. You'll find them via the archive.

Read, enjoy, invite your friends.


Chapter 15

When I saw her stumbling along the road toward me, I thought I could guess what had happened. Her previous hints should’ve prepared me for his cruelty but they hadn’t and contempt at what the bastard had done to her overwhelmed me. Sadly, even then, I underestimated the reality of Heacham’s brutality.
I made no effort to hide my disgust at her father as I ushered her into the car. Only my immediate concern for her well-being stopped me going straight to that pokey cottage to beat the bastard to pulp for closing her beautiful eye and splitting her lovely mouth.
Her silence in the car was ominous enough but her behaviour, once at Longhouse, was alarming. She stripped so carelessly, showing no emotion and none of her usual fanatical modesty, convincing me far more than those vicious stripes that I needed an expert for her. She was severely traumatized.
Ma took charge of her. I persuaded Doctor Dohan to come over as soon as he could. Ma described Faith’s continued strange behaviour and I went up to see if I could get any sense out of her before Paul arrived.
I knocked.
‘Yes?’
‘I’d like a word, Faith.’
‘Come in.’
I was amazed to find her uncovered, albeit face down on the bed.
‘Let me cover you, love, you must be cold.’
She mumbled something unintelligible in which I caught only the words, ‘Last night’.
I found a light cover and pulled up the sheet to keep the softer wool from sticking to her wounds.
‘Tell me what happened.’
She continued to look away from me, toward the wall. ‘… punished for my sins. … you expect?’
‘Your father…?’
‘… else would?’
‘Why?’
‘… you don’t know, Leigh…’
‘I don’t. Tell me.’
It was difficult for her to speak, her swollen lips distorting her words but I persisted, determined to discover something of what had befallen her after I left.
There was a rap on the door and Ma entered with Paul, who had evidently left his surgery and come straight away, at considerable speed.
‘Paul, thanks. Can I have a quick word?’
I explained what I’d discovered and gave him the background as far as I could. ‘But what worries me is she seems to believe she deserved what he did to her. As if she’s lost all pride and self esteem.’
‘Knowing her background and her father, I’d say that’s hardly surprising, Leigh. I’ll be blunt. Heacham’s a sadist and a bully. Always has been. It’s a wonder the girl’s as balanced as she is. I’m amazed she hasn’t become the imbecile he tells everyone she is. Let me examine her. Of course, she might not let me; he doesn’t like doctors. But he might’ve damaged her internally, not just her skin. That’s why I came over in such a hurry.’
I let him go to her and waited with Ma in the kitchen. He was up there for a very long time and he looked grave when he came down. Ma made coffee.
‘Sorry, it’s difficult to make sense of her speech because of the swelling but I managed to piece it together. I don’t think she’s very impressed with me, but I had to get the facts. You’ll be relieved to know there’s no indication of internal damage and her skin should return to normal with some basic care.
‘But I’ll be frank, Leigh. I know you love women and I know you’re a compassionate man, but I’m not sure you’re up to handling something as complex as that girl up there.’
‘Tell me what you think, Paul.’
‘She’s been brought up to have absolutely no self-esteem. All her thoughts are her father’s...’
‘Were. She’s started to think for herself now she’s working for me.’
‘Possibly. But her self-image is so poor it’ll take more than kindness and a few well-placed compliments to improve it. Her father has left her with no sense of self-worth. He’s told her she’s wrong so frequently that she really believes, regardless of evidence to the contrary, that she must be wrong.’
‘I’ll kill that bastard, Paul. I had her happy and believing in herself yesterday, full of joy and confidence. Christ! She even wanted to spend the night with me. I wish I’d ignored the fact she’d had too much to drink and taken her up on her offer. At least she’d have been spared the beating and this… this relapse.’
‘As I said, Leigh, this isn’t simple. She may require professional help. If you’d bedded her last night, and I don’t doubt she’d have let you, as you’re in the strongest position to supplant her father, as a male figure of authority, she’d have woken up this morning hating both you and herself. No, the beating has hurt her body but at least she’s no additional cause to feel ashamed.
‘Listen, you need to know something else. I’ll have to trust you on this, so don’t let me down, Leigh; patient confidence and all that. Her father locked her out of the house stark naked. She spent the whole of last night in the outside loo.’
‘I’ll kill that shit...’
‘Not helpful. She came to you in the early stages of hypothermia. That, together with the beating, put her into a state of shock that shielded her from the emotional aspects of her actions. I doubt she’s fully aware of how she behaved this morning. Be careful, she may feel deep resentment of you and real shame when she understands you’ve seen her body. Her mind is remarkably strong, I don’t really fear for her intellectual sanity. But I’ve serious concerns for her emotional stability. She desperately needs a place where she can learn to be herself, away from the destructive influence of her father.’
‘A flat, on her own, you mean?’
‘Absolutely not, Ma. She needs to have people near to consult and guide her when she’s lost. What she needs, more than anything else, is love and an environment of trust.’
‘There’s plenty of room at Longhouse.’
‘It won’t be easy, Leigh. She may alternate between loving you and offering her all without reservation, and hating you for either rejecting her or for taking advantage of her vulnerability. She knows, deep down, that her father’s responsible for the way she is. If you become the substitute figure of authority in her life, there’s every chance she’ll blame you instead until she’s really found her way.
‘If you love her, Leigh, if you’ve ambitions to have more than a simple sexual relationship with her in the future, it might be best if you don’t take on the role of guide. I’ve no doubt, once she’s found herself, she’ll be willing and able to share your bed. Whether that’ll be good or bad, I can’t tell. But any longer term, deeper relationship is going to require an enormous effort from you and a fair amount of good luck along the way.’
‘You’re so full of good news and easy answers, Paul.’
‘You do love her, then?’
‘I could. I very easily could. She’s by far the most remarkable woman I’ve ever met. Not the sexiest or most beautiful, but something else. She’s quite extraordinary.’
‘Oh, she’s that all right. So, what’s it to be, Leigh? Whatever we decide, we can’t let her go back to that cretin of a father.’
‘Can you cope with Faith as a live-in guest, Ma?’
‘She’s not going back to that cottage after what that bastard did to her. And where else would the poor love go?’
‘I’ll take that as a “yes,” then.’
‘You’re sure about this, Leigh? In spite of my concerns?’
‘Positive.’
‘One last warning, then. Have no illusions about what you’re taking on here. If you love her, Leigh, as opposed to simply wanting her in your bed, you’re likely to be in as much emotional danger as Faith if things get out of hand between you. Take your time and play it gently. I don’t want to have to refer the pair of you for psychiatric treatment in a few months time.’
Paul turned to Ma. ‘Leigh’s going to need considerable support from you and Old Hodge, Ma. And I need a favour. Until you’re certain that Faith is absolutely ready to have Leigh in her bed, for her own reasons and not just because she wants to please him, I want you to make it your sacred duty to prevent them having sex. Will you do that?’
‘Nothing would give me greater pleasure, Doctor Dohan. This is one maiden he won’t be bowling over without my express permission.’
‘Excellent. Thanks for the coffee.’
I sat for a while after he’d gone. Ma asked me about the job I was supposed to be doing in Bradford but I wasn’t in the mood. I rang and re-arranged it.
Faith was still awake when I knocked on her door, but she was at least covered and lying on her side, facing the door as I entered.
‘Like a cuppa?’
She tried to respond with words but they were so slurred by her swollen lips that I had to make do with the accompanying nod. Judging by the pain that flashed across her eyes as she moved her head, I guessed she had a splitting headache as well.
I arranged tea, and some of the painkillers Paul had left, by shouting downstairs to Ma. Back in her room, I sat on the edge of the bed and managed to take her hand in mine. Tears trickled from her open eye and I passed her a tissue.
‘I won’t make you talk, Faith. Just listen and squeeze my hand once for yes, twice for no. Okay?’
She squeezed once.
‘First of all, you’re safe and in the hands of people who care about you here at Longhouse, so...’
Two squeezes.
‘Who doesn’t care about you?’
She tried to say something but it was unintelligible. I wondered how Paul had gleaned so much information from her and recalled the amount of time he’d spent with her.
‘Okay. Merv?’
Two.
‘Ma?’
One.
‘Old Hodge?’
One.
Last, and the one I was dreading, ‘Me?’
One, two.
‘I care. I care more than I can say. You’re very special to me.’
No response, just that wet, wide eye staring and full of misery. Paul had said it wouldn’t be easy.
‘I’m going to the cottage to collect your things.’
Two squeezes.
‘I am. It’s not a request; I’m just letting you know. And, until you decide where you want to go, you’ll be living here.’
One. Two. One.
I got the message. ‘Okay, three for “don’t know,” okay?’
One.
‘I’m off for your stuff now, as much of it as I can find. When you’re better, we’ll go back together and collect the rest. Okay?’
Two.
‘Why not?’
She made a desperate effort and I caught on. ‘You want me to go to the job in Bradford?’
One.
‘I’ve postponed it. I’m going next week. Okay?’
One.
Ma came in with tea and painkillers and took over whilst I went to her father’s cottage.
There was no sign of life as I walked up the steep track. Only the wind sounded in that isolated spot. Outside the door, I hovered, aware I felt so violently disposed to the bastard that I might kill him if I were to lose it.
An odd noise came softly through the door. A strange, regular keening that seemed full of distress. I was about to knock but I thought the coward might run for it if he saw me. And that sound reached into my subconscious and told me something was seriously wrong.
I opened the door into a nightmare. Across the sitting room, through the kitchen door, Heacham stood naked with his back to me. Face down across the scrubbed wooden table, Hope lay with her legs spread wide, Heacham’s hands gripping her hips. She shuddered with each thrust into her limp unresisting form and, as he shoved, the girl emitted her keening whimper of distress.
I crossed the room and dragged him out of her before I had time to think. He almost fell with the force of separation and his hands went instinctively to guard himself. I kicked viciously, displacing his hands and feeling the satisfying thud as my shoe crushed his balls. He screamed and bent double. I brought my knee up into his face, knocking him to the floor. He lay there moaning. I used his hair to yank him to his feet and smashed a straight left into his face, cracking the line of his nose. He fell against the door of the ancient cooker, smacking his head. The handle scored down his back. I hauled him up by his throat. Kicking, shoving and punching the bastard, I forced him to the back door until he crashed into the woodwork.
‘Open it or I’ll kick you through the fucking door!’
He scrabbled for the handle as I thrashed him with fists, feet and knees. With the door open, I launched him into the garden with a final vicious kick. He stumbled barefoot over rows of growing cabbage and landed face down in the carrots and potatoes and stayed there.
A dry-stone wall some five feet high surrounded the back garden. A wooden gate beside the outhouse gave access to the lane.
‘Don’t even think of moving, Heacham. If I have to come and get you, I’ll nail you by your prick to the coal-shed door! Stay there or you’re fucking dead.’
I locked the door, washed my hands under the kitchen tap and paused to catch my breath. Hope lay quiet on the table, her keening done.
I made her bed ready. As gently as I could with her dead weight, I picked her up and lay her on the mattress before covering her with the light quilt. I thought of Faith, so small and fragile, lugging her in and out of the house twice a day and marvelled at her strength and dedication. Hope was so vulnerable, helpless, I could have wept at the way he’d violated her.
I looked for something to bind him and took the belt from his abandoned trousers, the respectable tie he’d removed so he could be naked as he raped his helpless daughter.
Fortunately for him, he was still on the ground, though face up, when I returned to the garden. I kicked him back onto his face without a word and bound his wrists together, tight as I could, with the tie. I thought of leaving him on the lawn but, instead, I opened the loo door in the outhouse. It was where he’d made Faith spend the previous night and seemed an appropriate makeshift prison. The thought of her shivering in there had me smacking Heacham’s face again.
‘You filthy, fucking shit ball!’ I discovered I couldn’t lock the door securely so I shoved him in the coalhouse and tied it shut with his belt. I wrenched the rusting washing pole out of the grass and wedged it against the door as insurance. From within came the satisfying sound of Heacham vomiting.
Mrs Greenhough let me use her phone. I didn’t attempt to hide my words from her or the two middle-aged women customers. Heacham’s rape would be the talk of the village before the end of the day.
Social Services said they would send someone when they could, though they weren’t sure they had a vacancy at a place suitable for a quadriplegic in Hope’s condition. I told them he’d rape her again if she remained in Heacham’s care and the newspapers would be interested in the story. They decided to send someone straight away. The police offered to meet me at the cottage within the hour.
It was all remarkably simple and, by mid afternoon, Heacham was on his way to the cells and Hope was en route to a residential care home in the Harrogate area. Heacham signed the release papers there and then. The police were happy for me to have the keys to the cottage when I explained about Faith. They mentioned my assault but thought, on balance, self-defence would rule out any charges. The fact that one of the coppers had placed his size twelve boot on Heacham’s already swollen balls whilst his other had unaccountably made contact with his head, probably had something to do with their lenient view of my attack.
‘You’d be amazed just how much damage can occur to a naked man who accidentally falls down the stairs and then trips and falls against the kitchen table whilst trying to resist arrest.’
‘Amazed, I know.’
‘Child abusers and rapists; have this thing about the bastards, you know?’
I knew. ‘I’ve always wondered why we accord the same rights to criminals, who put themselves outside the law, as we do to those who remain within the law. It’s their choice to cross the boundary; I don’t see why they should expect to be protected by the laws they’re so willing to break themselves.’
‘Couldn’t agree with you more, Sir. Shame the wimps in government and the courts don’t see it that way. Make our job a good deal easier, I can tell you.’
They left and the house fell into an unnatural peace that provoked me to action. I gathered the bundle of clothes from Faith’s bedroom and realized she’d clearly intended to leave home after her beating, regardless of what had happened afterwards. That, at least, was encouraging. I realized that her defiance dissolving by the time I met her on the road, illustrating Paul’s assessment of her as a complex case.
There was nothing else identifiably Faith’s that I could find. A quick search of the other rooms, once the police had left, revealed a pile of singular pornographic magazines devoted to female bondage and pseudo-rape, imported by post from Scandinavia, in his wardrobe. They were opened but stored in their plain brown envelopes. I burnt them in a corner of the garden, wishing I could have the bastard’s balls to roast on the flames.
Under Heacham’s bed, I discovered a large suitcase and opened it to disclose a large amount in bank notes. I was unsure of the legal position regarding that so I left it where it was. A small wooden box next to it got the better of my curiosity. When I discovered it contained letters to Faith from her mother, I wanted him back for another hiding.
Back home, amongst the mail, I found a hand-written letter for Faith. It was a nice coincidence, a touch of serendipity balancing some of the distress, and I put the new letter from her mother with the collection of older ones from the cottage.
‘How is she?’
‘Sleeping.’
‘Good.’
‘You look shattered, Leigh.’
I poured myself a large Glenlivet and sat at the kitchen table as Ma prepared the evening meal. Old Hodge came in and I poured one for him as he was taking off his boots in the utility room.
‘What’s up wi’ your hand, Leigh? It’s swollen and skinned.’
I told them what I’d found at Faith’s home. They listened in stunned silence until I’d finished.
‘Can’t have been an isolated incident, too much of a coincidence, you walking in on the beggar like that.’
‘When we brought him in from the coalhouse and questioned him with Social Services and police present, he just collapsed. All pretence went. He’s been at it for years, since the girl was about twelve or thirteen. When Faith was home he just waited till she was asleep or sent her out into the hills for a walk. It’s why he insisted on Hope sleeping naked downstairs.
‘Said it started when he thought he could “inspire” her to come out of her vegetative state by stimulating her. Once he’d begun, it became an obsession and he couldn’t stop himself. Like fuck, he couldn’t. Obsession! The man’s a filthy shitball pervert. That’s why he sent Faith off to work. So he could rape Hope all day every day without the danger of discovery.
‘I asked him if he’d ever tried anything like that with Faith. He swore he’d never touched her. But he admitted bringing her up without privacy and making her walk around half naked because it turned him on to have her in his power like that. Can you imagine? His own daughters.
‘There were six of us; men and women, in the room with that bastard and not one of us would’ve stopped any of the others killing that shit.’
The following day, Faith slept through, helped by the medication Paul had left. She was still asleep in the afternoon when I returned from a job on a local farm. Ma and Old Hodge raised the issue of Hope again and we all expressed our disgust at what had happened.
‘God alone knows how I’m going to tell Faith.’
‘Don’t tell her. She needn’t know.’
I shook my head at Ma and reminded her about Mrs Greenhough at the Post Office.
‘Whole village’ll know by now.’
I agreed with Old Hodge. Somehow, I had to break the news to Faith.
‘Think she knew?’
I wished Ma hadn’t raised a question I’d been avoiding. ‘I hope not. But I don’t see how. I mean, the signs must’ve been there. She looked after Hope; washed her, cleaned her. How could she not know?’
Old Hodge shrugged. ‘Mebbie. But this is Faith we’re talking about. Faith; not some normal young woman brought up in a normal family. Lass ‘as no idea about most of life. Knows nowt about sex. Happen she might’ve seen the signs and not understood.’
‘I’d like to think that was possible.’ But somehow, it seemed unlikely she could have remained ignorant, in the same house, whilst it was going on. ‘Even if the bastard had gagged Hope whilst he raped her, how come she never found out? There must’ve been some residue, some soreness…’
‘Personally, I’d give Faith the benefit of the doubt.’ Old Hodge faced me as he spoke but his eyes flicked to the open door behind me.
I turned to discover Faith standing there, dressed in a towelling robe one of my models had stolen from a good hotel and left behind.
With difficulty, through lips that had lost only a little of their earlier swelling, she managed to make herself understood. ‘Benefit of the doubt about what?’
‘Not now. I’ll explain later. I promise.’ But it wouldn’t be that easy.
She wanted to know what we’d been discussing, why there should be any doubt at all about her, I suppose. ‘Tell me now.’
‘We were just wondering how much of a fight you were able to put up against your father, that’s all.’
‘He’s bigger than me. Stronger; for all his bad back. And, when he loses his temper, he seems to have the strength of three men.’
‘Bad back, my foot. Not bad enough to stop him...’
I glared at Ma and she immediately regretted her comment. ‘Anyway, love, how are you feeling?’
‘Pretty much as I look, I suppose. What do you mean, Ma?’
‘I just… never believed your father had a bad back, that’s all.’
‘I always thought you were above the village gossip, Ma.’
Ma struggled against the urge to defend herself. ‘Perhaps. Anyhow, it’s not important. Come an’ sit and have a bite of supper. You’ve had a deal to cope with and we’d all be better off discussing happier things.’
It was obvious that talking was a real effort for her. She started to protest again and then gave in and sat silently at the table between Old Hodge and me.
The meal was awkward with extended silences and half-expressed sentences; all of us aware how easy it was to say too much. I found myself considering Faith and wondering again, what she knew of her father’s treatment of Hope. Clutching at straws, so that my picture of her could be left as unstained as possible, I recalled her protestations that her father couldn’t even carry a bucket of coal, let alone lift Hope. How she’d been genuinely shocked that I could suggest he might’ve touched her sexually. Perhaps she really was ignorant of the rapes. But how could she have avoided the physical evidence, the redness I’d witnessed and the residue of Heacham’s ejaculations? Hope had no pubic hair to hide either piece of evidence and Faith, I knew, would be fastidious in her care of the girl. How could she fail to recognize such glaring signs?
She sat with me in the sitting room after the meal. Old Hodge and Ma returned home to their cottage, on the other side of the garden, after the meal and left us alone in the house. Faith’s injured mouth made conversation too difficult and I was weary.
I resorted to the idiots’ lantern and sat beside Faith on the sofa watching Morecambe and Wise and finding they had the power to raise laughter even under those circumstances. Faith gurgled a few times as well and we went to our beds feeling just a little lighter.
I knew, however, that morning would bring its own trials when I told her of her father’s arrest and explained how and why it had come about. It was only as I lay my head on a pillow, devoid for once of feminine perfume, that I recalled the box of letters sitting on my desk.

###

You've come this far, so it's unlikely you'll stop now. But, just in case you're impatient for the next chapter, you know where you can buy the book.

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What and Who do You Admire Most as a Writer?

on Thursday, April 26, 2012
J.K. Rowling
Cover of J.K. Rowling

Most of us have heroes we look up to in one way or another. Sometimes it's simply the creative output we admire, sometimes it's the person rather than the work, and sometimes, just occasionally, it's both.
So, who do you look up to, whose work do you admire?
I'll start the ball rolling with my own listing.

I grew up long before the Harry Potternovels were written, let alone published, but I admire the story-telling, imagination and range of language used by J.K.Rowling in these adventure tales aimed at young people. I started out reading them to my daughter as she grew up and ended up reading the last three because I was hooked on the adventure. I also think JK is an admirable person; her struggle to get published under very difficult circumstances and her generosity, once she was established, both make her someone for me to admire.

The work of William Golding is something I've enjoyed since I was introduced to it with The Spire when I attended evening classes during 1983 to take my English Literature A Level (which I passed with a grade A, I'm pleased to say). Having discovered the multi-layered story and accessible literary elements in The Spire, I went on to read the rest of his canon, finding I enjoyed the lot and learning a great deal about writing in the process. I particularly like The Pyramid, one of his works that's rarely mentioned.

Several of William  Horwood's books have impressed me. I enjoyed the pure fun and adventure of Duncton Wood and it's following episodes. But it was The Stonor Eagles that most resonated with me. I felt real empathy with the sculptor who is the human protagonist in this novel. The book details the struggles of Sea Eagles in and around the Norwegian coast and the Scottish Islands, and contrasts their lives with the problems faced by the artist commissioned to produce a sculpture of them to commemorate their re-introduction to the UK. A book that was definitely a powerful influence on my writing. The author's ability to enter the 'minds' of his flying characters as effectively as he does the humans in the story is most impressive.

Graham Greene's work has been influential in my reading and writing, as has that of Neville Shute. I've also enjoyed the work of Louis de Bernier. And, for reasons I don't fully understand, I have a particular soft spot for Richards Adams' Shardik and, particularly, Maia.

There are, of course, hundreds of other writers who have entertained and educated me during a life of reading. Attached to this blog is a list of some of the books I've yet to read. You'll find them on the tab, My To Read List' above. If you're interested in other books I've read and enjoyed, or otherwise, you'll also find a list of those I can actually remember on Goodreads, an excellent site where readers can exchange information about their reading experiences. There, you'll find a list of the 817 titles I've so far recalled, along with reviews of 89 of the books. I estimate I've probably read in excess of 3,000 books but so many are from the past and no longer held on my shelves (I was forced to abandon a large number of my books when I divorced my first wife, unfortunately) that I can't recall them now. All, however, have played their part in developing my language skills, facility with the written word, and my knowledge of the human story.

So, there's an idea of the work and writers I admire. Perhaps you'll share some of your own influences here?
Thank you for reading this.

Silly question to amuse: Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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An Apology to Those Reading the Novel Here

on Monday, April 23, 2012
Although I scheduled a post to include the next chapter of the novel on here, to appear on 20 April, it seems not to have been posted during my absence. No idea why. It's listed in my posts as 'scheduled' with the right date and time, and this process has always worked in the past. However, for whatever reason, it didn't show up. So, rather than interrupt the weekly flow, I'll post Chapter 15 this week, on 27 April. Again, my apologies to those who are following the book on here.

Ancient Symbol Worship, by Westropp & Wake, Reviewed.


This is a modern version, not the one I read,
and may contain more information.
Subtitled, Influence of the Phallic Idea in the Religions of Antiquity, this book came my way as one of a small collection given me by my brother when he was sorting stuff out prior to a move to a new house with less space. He used to work in a book store and has a number of fairly unusual titles in his library. This was one he hadn't got round to reading, but the title and subtitle intrigued me.
This small volume, first published in 1875, sets out to examine the influence of the phallic, or male, component in ancient religion. But it takes this idea into modern religion, suggesting that the ancient beliefs, customs and rites have been absorbed and altered by modern celebrants in forms recognisable to those who wish to see.
There's some Latin, untranslated, and a colossal amount of reference to often obscure issues that were, presumably, well known to scholars of the time. But, for a modern reader, these references remain unexplained and would require a great deal of research to track down and more time than most people have these days for such esoteric issues. Whilst those who already have a deep interest in the symbolism employed in worship will undoubtedly understand the references, the rest of us will remain confused. However, much is clarified by context and, having an interest in many subjects, I was able to apprehend a lot of what the authors allude to, though other items consisted of listings of arcane information lacking any hook on which I could hang it.
That the book was written in the Victorian era, with its dreadful hypocrisy regarding all matters sexual, shows in the circumspection that rules the writing. Where, today, we would name the penis, testes, vulva and breasts without fear or embarrassment, the authors are constrained by the customs of their times and therefore have to express much of their ides in convoluted form or by the use of metaphor, much of which is couched in classical references that will be lost on many modern readers.
A second factor in preventing the authors expressing themselves frankly and with clarity is their sensitivity to the feelings of those who profess a faith. Again, today, such sensitivities can be dealt with more openly, showing respect rather than reverence. In the time the book was published however, such frankness, leading to real clarity, would have probably prevented publication.
So, an already difficult subject is made more obscure for reasons that are no longer valid. As the ideas and information explored are still valid and in need of wider publicity, I'd love to see some modern scholar produce a similar volume for today's reader with a much clearer text. Perhaps it's been done and I simply haven't come across the book.
As it is, this book can really only be read by the general reader as a partial glimpse into the subject. Those with a good knowledge of ancient history, religion and symbolism will glean a good deal more, however. Many of the ideas expressed as certainties have, of course, been placed in doubt or even refuted by more recent discoveries of texts from such sources as the Dead Sea Scrolls and other ancient records and parchments retrieved from many different sources by modern archaeologists.
Members of religious organisations will no doubt be outraged by suggestions that the roots of their current dogma and rites grew from ancient forms of worship that were definitely based in reproduction and sexuality, often in very explicit acts of devotion, sacrifice and propitiation to the early deities. But a dispassionate and disinterested examination of the rites, customs and beliefs of such groups quickly establishes their ancient links with many practices and myths no longer considered either right or sensible.
A demanding read, not for the faint-hearted.

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Just to Keep You Informed

on Friday, April 13, 2012
If you comment on any posts here for the next week, you 'll have to wait for my response. I'm taking a sabbatical week away from all things digital. There are new posts already scheduled, so they will appear automatically during this period, but I won't be around in person again until 22 April. See you then.
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Read My Novel, Free: Chapter 14.


It's great you're still here. Thanks. Enjoy the read.


I posted Chapter 1 on 13 January and following chapters appear each Friday. You'll find them via the archive.

Read, enjoy, invite your friends.


Chapter 14

Thursday 1st April

Father all but dragged me in and closed the door as Leigh turned his back. He was rough with me; such a contrast to Leigh’s gentle touch. He stared at me with a look I hadn’t seen in his eyes before and refused to recognize. I heard the car start and knew Leigh had gone.
Only then did Father start on me. ‘Whore! Jezebel! Showing the world your nakedness. Get those whore’s rags off. I’ll show you the penalty for such wantonness. Take them off before I rip them from your sinful flesh!’
I was proud of myself that night. I stood my ground, for the first time ever. ‘Father, I’m going to my room where I shall close the door and get ready for bed. You will not come in. Good night.’
He was apoplectic. He grasped my wrist and held me as he raised his other hand. ‘Don’t talk to me like that, idiot girl.’
‘Strike me and I’ll walk out of here now, Father. Forever.’
He hesitated, and doubt clouded his face.
‘I will. I’ll leave you to cope; without my help and without my earnings.’
‘You’re a wicked, ungrateful child. Up to your room and prepare for the beating you deserve. I’ll grant you privacy to put off those devil’s rags before I come in with the strap to save your soul with pain and sorrow.’
‘I do mean it, Father. Touch me and I’ll go for good.’ I pulled my hand free and took the carriers from the floor. I walked upstairs slowly, without a backward glance. Hope was uncovered, with no nappy for protection. ‘If you leave her like that, Father, you’ll have her mess to clean up in the morning.’
In my room, I closed the door and pushed the chair against it, moved the bed against the chair and then sat down before my trembling legs collapsed. It was the first time I’d defied Father. And I’d done it because Leigh had shown me I was a person, a person worthy of respect. That I reacted to the situation with fear on top of my courage simply showed me how wrong Father was in his attitudes and behaviour. I would have something to say about that in the morning.
There was no mirror in my room. Nothing but a small chest of drawers to hold my clothes. I sat on the bed and thought about my joyful, extraordinary day and the miserable contrast of my homecoming.
I thought about leaving home and finding somewhere else to live. Hope would miss my care. Father would have a hard time without my help and my income. Perhaps in my talk with Father I could explain that I was no longer a child, but a woman needing to be treated in a different way. Perhaps I could get him to see that I’d changed, get him to agree to a new, more liberated way of living. That way, we could both have some of what we needed out of life.
Father stomped up the stairs and tried my door. I was too tired to reason with him just then and pretended to be asleep. I heard him, hovering on the landing for a while before he went into the bathroom. Then the house was silent and I sat in contemplation for a long time
At last, I removed Leigh’s gifts with care, folding them in a pile on top of the chest. I’d never considered my nakedness at bedtime as other than a normal state before. The cold was something I lived with but I hadn’t felt exposed or vulnerable. At the door, I stood and listened and heard only silence from the house. Father was asleep.
I moved the chair quietly and opened the door wide enough to view the narrow landing. It was clear. I crossed the landing, cleaned my teeth and splashed my face. All the time, I was conscious of some unspecified risk, an anxiety I’d never felt before. But shrugging it off as tiredness, I slipped silently down to the toilet.
It was cold outside, the stars sharp and glittering against a black as deep as velvet. Cold for that short time was nothing to me. I’d done this autumn, winter, spring and summer for years.
When I returned to the back door, I discovered my punishment. Father had locked me out. I hammered on the door, shouted, threatened and pleaded. But I could shout and scream all night and no one would be wiser. Our cottage was half a mile from any other habitation.
‘Think you’d defy me, girl? The night will cool you.’
‘Let me in, Father. I’m not a child any more.’
‘You’ll stay out there all night and cool your unnatural passion.’
‘I think it’s you who’s unnatural, Father. Let me in.’
He was silent at that for a moment.
‘I shall destroy those rags so you cannot sin in them again.’
‘Leave me out here if you will, Father. But damage those clothes and I swear I’ll leave here tomorrow and walk all the way to Longhouse, through the village, stark naked.’
He was silent but I knew he was still behind the door.
‘I mean it, Father. I swear I will, on the Bible.’ I knew he wouldn’t destroy them after I made an oath like that.
‘May God save your wicked soul.’
‘Let me in, Father.’
But he had gone.
I returned to the small stone-floored room and sat on the cold wooden seat and waited for the night to end. The long, black night of retribution.
So cold. The seat was cold. The walls were cold. The stone flags of the floor were cold. The very air that wrapped my skin was cold. I ached with cold. I hugged myself and shivered through that endless night without sleep.
Dawn crept slowly up the sky and pinked the tiny, frosted window. Father wouldn’t leave me outside, where prying eyes might see me, once daylight announced the start of my working day.
I found the back door unlocked and I stepped into the kitchen, grateful for the relative warmth.
Father had gone back to his room. He wouldn’t dare beat me after my threat, knowing his punishment of a night outside was risk enough. I would go upstairs, put on my lovely soft underwear and new trouser suit, take breakfast on my own in the kitchen and then set off for Longhouse, meeting Leigh as he came to collect me. He would be surprised and pleased to see me and we’d kiss before I sat in the car beside him. After that, I was unsure what might happen, I had no experience of what lovers did together. But life was spread before me in splendour and bright colours of joy.
I went through the sitting room toward my bedroom and Father stepped from behind the door and grabbed me. He dragged me across the back of his armchair. Grasping me with one strong hand in my hair, he lashed my back, my buttocks, my thighs, my shoulders and my flailing arms with the buckle end of his leather strap.
‘Think you’d escape God’s punishment? You’re a fool. Always been a fool. Born a fool. Grown up a fool. And now a whore as well. Whore again and next time I’ll do the Lord’s work with a stick to break your bones and spill your blood for your sins. Evil, wicked girl. Loathsome Jezebel. Vile, ungrateful whore!’
He stopped only when his arm was tired. I struggled to escape and to defend myself but made no sound. He tore his hand from my hair and brought the back of it across my face, back and forth, as I rose up. My teeth cut through my lip and the tips of his fingers slashed across my eye.
Unsteady from the beating and my night outside in the cold, I stumbled away without a word and clambered up the stairs. The clothes were scattered on the floor, trampled and creased but not cut or torn, as I’d feared. Anxious that blood from my injured mouth and bleeding nose might stain my fine new clothes, I dressed in what I’d worn to travel to York the previous day. In the bathroom, I staunched the bleeding with cold water, cleaned my teeth with difficulty and untangled my hair as best I could without a mirror.
I took my few possessions out of my chest of drawers and piled them on the bed. With a belt and woollen scarf, I tied them into a bundle, which I left on the bed. Leigh’s gifts I folded and took with me in the carrier bags.
Downstairs, Father was still breathing heavily. I heard but did not look at him. ‘Where do you think you’re going, girl?’
I stared at him as he sat so confident of my defeat and subjugation in his chair by a fire that was dying, waiting for me to rebuild it and rekindle the flames. I couldn’t bear to be with him a moment longer. I had to go. I had to leave that house with all its memories of sorrow and pain. I took my coat from its peg by the door and, from the corner of my eye, saw him move.
‘Touch me again and I’ll never come back. Ever. I promise you.’
He remained where he was, half in, half out of his chair. Something in my tone stopped him coming closer.
‘You’ll be back, my girl. Come crawling back, begging my forgiveness once he’s had his way with you and tossed you aside like all the others. You’ll come back. And I’ll have you. But you’ll regret your whoring till your dying days. You’ll beg me to save your soul and I’ll beat the Devil from your worthless hide each day until you know what sorrow and repentance mean.’
I left, determined not to return to that house except to collect my few possessions.
It was far too early for Leigh but I began to walk to Longhouse, keeping on the road I knew he would use, instead of trekking over the fields. I was slow because of the cold night, the beating and the lack of breakfast.
As soon as I was on the road and the first elation of escape began to fade, the familiar and habitual feelings of guilt and shame came abruptly to swamp the relief. A lifetime of obedience and correction cannot be so easily defeated. I was filled with self-loathing at my behaviour. I had questioned Father. I had disobeyed him. I had fallen far short of his standards. I had let him down. I was wicked.
After all he had done for me, I had abandoned him. Left him to fend for himself and care for Hope alone. How could I do such a thing? How could I even begin to think I knew better?
But, in spite of everything that my mind declared, my battered, tired, pain-filled body moved me instinctively away from him and toward Longhouse.
I would return. I would beg his forgiveness and accept the beating I deserved for my disobedience and wickedness. Father knew best, as he always had and always would. I was a fool, a simple girl with no knowledge of the world and its ways. He would guide me into the right paths, save my soul from damnation and set me on the road to salvation again. Pain and shame and suffering were all part of God’s plan, all measures to bring us back into the fold when we strayed and lost our way amongst the pleasures of the flesh.
I would return Leigh’s gifts and explain that I must not wear such devil’s rags. And, as penance, I would work naked and shamed in the cottage so that God could see the stripes of my wickedness and Father could correct me at once should I transgress again and thus save my soul and purify my flesh.
Leigh met me a mile from Longhouse and the look on his face as he pulled up, confirmed my doubts. He was all scorn and contempt, in spite of his offers of help. Father had been right, as he always was. When Leigh asked, I shook my head and asked him to take me to work. I had no energy to explain or to walk the rest of the way, as I should.
I had disappointed him as well. He said nothing against me, but winced every time he looked at me. Once at Longhouse, I went into the office and took off my coat as he yelled for Ma. I had lost Father’s small respect and now I had lost Leigh’s as well. I was worthless and wicked; a sinner of the worst kind. Of no value to Father, unworthy of Leigh’s kindness, unloved in the sight of God. Something inside me crumpled and left me hollow and without a shred of energy.
Ma came in a stared at me; obviously disgusted by what she saw. ‘What the Dickens?’
I stood before them; a worthless, useless girl. I had no emotion left. I hurt and I was shamed and, even though I understood it should not matter, I knew I had lost all the sweet affection Leigh had shown me the day before. It should not matter, but it did.
‘Are you hurt anywhere else?’ Ma’s concern seemed oddly genuine.
I shrugged and winced as the coarse material rubbed on the welts and wheals left by Father’s strap.
‘Let me see, love.’
She was too kind. I deserved only censure and scorn. I was a Jezebel, a whore. What did it matter if I became naked in front of him now? I had lost any dignity I might have had and deserved no consideration. I undressed completely and let them see my punishment; let them see how wicked I was and how my righteous father had striped me with God’s justice.
‘Jesus, Ma. Think she needs a doctor?’
Ma led me up to the bathroom where she tended my wounds with cotton wool and dilute disinfectant that stung. She was gentle and I tried not to cry, but the tears came anyway as if I had no volition. I know I did not sob or weep with noise, but my eyes leaked water down my face and I could not stop them.
Ma dabbed me dry with such gentility, all the while muttering about the brute under her breath so that I understood she was mistaken and thought Father was in the wrong. She sat me on a spare bed as she examined my face.
‘There’s nothing I can do there, love. The Doctor’ll know if you need stitches in that lip. You’re going to have a beautiful shiner. Lie on your front and I’ll put some ointment on those stripes.’
I did as I was told; obedient now I had been punished for my wickedness, reminded of my place. How could she be so kind when she should despise and scorn me? I had deserved my beating. Father had warned me often enough about loose behaviour. I had acted scandalously and dressed in a provocative way. I had even asked Leigh if I could spend the night with him. I thanked Heaven he had been so disgusted at me that he had not taken advantage.
As always, I was wrong. My false pride and earlier conviction that I was right had kept me going through the cold night, had sealed my lips against the screams of pain and anger, indignation and shame that wanted to burst from my lips as Father beat me, and had given me strength to leave the house without feeding him. But I had been wrong. Father, as always, had been right.
‘Lie there and try not to turn on your back, love. I’ll find something light to cover you and keep you warm.’
‘I’m warm enough.’ A direct lie in a good cause. I must suffer to save my soul, or be damned for eternity. Father had born the pain of punishing me so I might be spared the eternal fires of Hell. The least I could do in return was suffer a little without complaint.
‘You sure, love? It’s none too warm up here.’
‘I’m fine, really.’
‘Doctor’ll be here some time later. Try to sleep until he arrives.’
‘I ought to work, really, Ma. I’ll be…’
‘You’ll do as you’re told, young lady! You’re to rest. A beating like that can’t be shrugged off so easily. Your poor body needs time to recover. Now, you lie still and sleep, there’s a good lass. I’ll pull the door to, so you’re not on display if Leigh comes up. Sure you don’t want me to cover you?’
‘What’s it matter? He’s seen all there is of me to see. I deserve only contempt and disgust.’
For a while I could detect her standing there, looking at me with that same loathing they must all feel. Then she left and pulled the door closed. My tears were still falling and wetting the pillow but, for some reason, I could not stop them. The doctor would come and tell me to get back to work and I would go down to the office and get on with my job in spite of Leigh’s silent disapproval.
Later, I would go back to the cottage and beg Father’s forgiveness and hope he would not be too disgusted with me, would not scourge me again until my skin had healed. I would kneel before him, show him my shame and confess my guilt on my knees at his feet so he might think me worthy once more.


###

You've come this far, so it's unlikely you'll stop now. But, just in case you're impatient for the next chapter, you know where you can buy the book.


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The Challenge for Writers.

on Thursday, April 12, 2012

Allerthorpe Woods.
For those of us who like, want, need or are compelled to express ourselves in writing there are a number of challenges to be faced. These vary according to the nature of the writer and the type of writing pursued.
So, if you're a writer, what are your challenges?
I'll start you off with my own.

My most basic challenge is one I impose on myself by a quirk of personality: I feel strongly about many topics; passionate, even. But I used to allow this strong emotion to overwhelm my writing, so that I became a proselytising missionary, spreading my beliefs and opinions at the expense of readability.

I prefer to write fiction, being a natural teller of tales, rather than an essayist, but my need to teach and preach (I should point out here that I'm a committed agnostic who views all organised religion with suspicion - there I go again, you see?) overwhelmed my story telling and turned my work into thinly-disguised evangelical tracts on one subject or another. Of course, this isn't attractive to readers. Why would it be? I mean, who cares what I think? Readers are looking primarily for entertainment. If they want to be harangued or beaten about the brain with someone's opinion, they'll go the local debating society, attend a political rally, visit a church or join some society or other. What they want from novels is story.

So, what to do about this unattractive habit of mine? Well, I wondered if I might dilute the urge to put the world right by allowing myself the luxury of joining serious debates taking place elsewhere, thus allowing that part of my brain to feel it's had its say. That way, perhaps, I could then write instead of 'right', if you see what I mean. So, I've become a member of Digg, StumbleUpon, AllVoices and the Huffington Post sites. Here I can indulge my missionary self whenever I feel the urge to attack some injustice that heats my blood. And there are many, I can tell you. I've always loathed injustice in every form. I also hate hypocrisy, and lies, and conflict politics, and waste, and environmental denial, and religious dogma and brainwashing of children and… well, you see where I'm going with this, don't you? But, by joining these arenas for serious debate, I can get the frustration out of my system and leave my imagination free to tell stories without reference to the passion of that reforming zeal.

Oddly, what I've found is that I now write free of the need to teach, but that my work is still influenced by my beliefs and concerns. However, this now forms themes rather than being the meat of the pieces. So, I'll write a story ostensibly concerning the relationship between two potential lovers but the perceptive reader will recognise the strand of gender inequality lurking under the surface. Or I'll write a futuristic piece apparently about the erotic adventures of a couple of 'eternals' but the reader who sees beneath the surface will detect the thread of debate on the poverty of relationships based entirely on the joys of sex and the danger inherent in allowing technology to develop unchecked by common sense. But the stories will be damn good reads without authorial intrusion. (Those who've read Breaking Faith and The Methuselah Strain may see parallels here).

There's some suggestion that our challenges as writers may be based in our challenges as human beings and I wonder how true that might be.
I left school early in life, due to a combination of external events over which I had little control (see my previous post on Motivating the Writer if you want more detail.) But I'd been brought up as a confirmed Christian and, following a crush I developed on the local curate, as a young man, I'd decided on the Church of England priesthood as my future role in life. Events soon knocked that out of me, however; events and a growing sense of the hypocrisy rampant in organised religion. But my need to 'preach', to 'evangelise' was clearly already deep-rooted even then. Later, when I re-examined my options and looked back at my life and varied career, it became clear that I might, as I'd often been told, have made a good teacher. It's clear that these aspects of my personality have come to the fore in my writing. So we can see where personal challenges become parallels of writing challenges.

As for injustice and my other long-held passions, I think they've developed alongside my self-taught awareness of the wider world. I've quite deliberately exposed myself to those issues that seem important, rather than dive under the covers of simple entertainment or drown myself in the froth and inconsequence of the celebrity culture that now engulfs so many adults.

I've always had what many have described as an unhealthy concern for truth and honesty, perhaps inherited from my extraordinary mother, who was a well-loved local confidante of more people than I realised at the time.

As for my interest in other subjects, my step-father was fascinated by butterflies and moths, by the night sky, by the tales of Ryder Haggard and the poetry of Omar Khayyam, whose work he could quote at length. So, I suppose I developed similar interests more or less inevitably. Though my own interests in science, natural history and fiction are far wider than those I was initially introduced to. But my step-father's passion did spill over and infect me.

So, it would seem there's some evidence to support the view that our personal challenges can become our writing challenges.

I've exposed mine here for you in the hope that such confession might be helpful for my readers and visitors. The refusal to accept or face those challenges that get in the way of good writing are often the cause of blocking of the creative channels. They must be faced and acknowledged before they can be defeated or at least diverted. If you want to write well, you need to discover what your personal challenges are before you can do anything to reduce their influence on your writing. So, whether you're afflicted with something as basic as a lack of grammatical discipline and knowledge or something in the way of a more complex psychological problem, the first step seems to be acknowledgement of the possibility. Once you reach recognition, acceptance is not far behind and it is then that strategies can be put in place to reduce the influence of these challenges on your output.

Up to you. You can either share your own challenges here or keep them private. Either way, a bit of work on them may well result in a more rounded and deeper development as you as a writer. I hope so, anyway. 

Silly and irrelevant question, just for the smile: Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck if you throw a revolver at him?

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As it Seemed to Me, by John Cole, Reviewed.

on Sunday, April 8, 2012

This political memoir examines the journalist's thirty-odd years in the trade. It covers a period through which I lived, not quite contemporaneously with the author, who's senior to me by twenty years. Nevertheless, I watched his television reports through the period and, in reading this work, I could again hear the tortured vowels of his Ulster accent.

I always admired the man as a political commentator and reading the book only serves to increase that admiration for someone for whom honesty and pragmatic realism were clearly guiding principles. His neutrality continues, as it did during his long and illustrious career in a field for which he was truly fitted. Moving from his native Northern Ireland to England early in his working life, he served on such august bodies as the Guardian, the Observer and, of course, the BBC in various roles from reporter to editor, ending up as the senior political commentator for that broadcaster.

The book is written very much from the point of view of the observer of political life and there are places where the author's assumption of the reader's knowledge and interest in some of the minutiae is taken for granted. I never reached that level of absorption at the time and so certain passages became less clear to me and there were a number I skipped completely. But there are over 400 pages of dense prose here, so some skipping is, perhaps, excusable.

John Cole's delivery is clearly that of the experienced and professional journalist, with never a word wasted. He packs a great deal into each sentence and the writing can hardly be faulted for its presentation of a complex period of British history.

That I find myself in sympathy with his misgivings about many events and the attitudes of some politicians, particularly the imperious and overbearing Margaret Thatcher, obviously makes me more sympathetic to what he has to say. It's encouraging to know that my impression of our first female Prime Minister as an inflexible martinet with fixed ideas based on ideology rather than pragmatic reality is reinforced by this man who lived close to the action.

This is a book I read initially because it was on my shelves and I'd promised myself I'd read all such volumes before I bought any more. I can't recall how I came by it. Probably, it was one of a package offered by one of the many book clubs I've belonged to during my lengthy reading career. I'm sure I didn't buy it as a separate and targeted book at the time. But I'm glad I've given it the time it deserves, even if somewhat belatedly (it was published in 1995).

It's reinforced some of my impressions of the period, repudiated others, educated me about many and filled in gaps I hadn't realised existed in my knowledge of the time I lived through.

For any reader whose idea of a good book is restricted to the fantasies of fiction, there's nothing here for you. But for those interested in recent British history, the shenanigans of politicians or the profession of journalism, this is a damn good read and I recommend it to you.

Read My Novel, Free: Chapter 13.

on Friday, April 6, 2012

You've come this far, so you don't need me blethering about what you already know. Enjoy the read.


Chapter 1 appeared on 13 January and following chapters appear each Friday. You can find them via the archive.

Read, enjoy, invite your friends.

Chapter 13

Leigh stopped in the doorway to the restaurant. ‘A waiter will show us to our table when we go in. Once he’s brought the menus, pop to the ladies’ and get changed whilst I order drinks, okay?’
The ladies’ room was plush and a woman assistant sat in the corner. I changed in a cubicle, folding my skirt and blouse into the carrier bag and following Leigh’s advice about the tights. When I began to tidy my hair in front of the long mirror, the woman came and stood behind me.
‘Mind if I make a suggestion, love?’
I turned to face her, waiting.
‘Most men like a woman’s hair worn loose rather than tied back like that. And, if my glimpse of the man you came in with is any guide, I’d say he’d prefer you as free as possible.’
I had always worn my hair in a ponytail, off my face, for ease and at Father’s insistence. She helped me release it, then brushed it out so it fell in soft waves over my shoulders.
‘That dress is lovely but I reckon it’d be stunning if you loosened the neck and let it fall round your shoulders.’
When I tried it, my bra straps showed. But I liked the effect and I felt glamorous without feeling exposed.
‘You’re young enough not to need support, love.’ She touched a strap.
I thought about Leigh’s face when he saw me. And this was a woman advising, she couldn’t have any sort of sexual motives, after all. I had to do it. He deserved at least that and I wanted his admiration. She helped, and my new bra went into the bag.
The woman urged me to turn on the spot. I slowly rotated and felt the soft floral cotton brush my feet, the caress of fabric against my nipples making them stand proud. I was half anxious that the sensuality was wrong and half delighted at the feeling of pleasure and freedom. The dress, gathered at the waist, fell in soft pleats down the length of my legs. A thin leather lace fixed the width of the neckline and held the top firm against the tops of my arms. It was tied in a bow with the silver-tipped ends resting below the curves of my breasts. I felt free and liberated and just a little afraid.
‘Have him eating out of your hand, love. He’ll not be able to resist you.’
I thanked her and went before I could change my mind. She said something in a cross voice as I left, but I had no idea what might have annoyed her.
Leigh stood up and stared as I crossed the floor to the table. The waiters turned to look at me. All the men in the room followed my progress across the floor with their eyes. I felt both shy and proud. I had never put myself on display like that and those stares were all of appreciation. I was confused: Father said such displays were sinful, but I felt good. I was happy to be the object of their admiration. I was particularly pleased to have Leigh’s undivided attention.
‘Wow!’
I smiled for him.
‘You look stunning. Wonderful, Faith. Gorgeous. I’m amazed you dared the transformation. But I’m over the Moon that you did.’
I confessed to help from the lady in the toilet.
‘Give her a tip?’
I had no idea what he meant. He pulled out my chair and held it as I sat down and pushed it gently in beneath me. I felt so special.
‘No matter. I’ll get a waitress to take her something’
He signalled one of the young women, spoke to her and passed her something. She nodded and went off toward the toilets.
‘What’s a tip?’
He explained and I understood her complaint.
‘Ready to eat, my beautiful princess?’
The flush that followed suffused me with pure pleasure; so different from the discomfort of my usual blushes.
‘Ready, my handsome prince.’
He gazed at me with shining eyes that were so proud and full of admiration. ‘Faith, you’re a joy to be with. I’ve rarely had such company.’
I wanted to hug and kiss him but I just took his hand and squeezed it gently.
The menu was in French and Leigh translated. The food was fresh, hot and delicious. Leigh ordered wine but then drank only one glass, as he had to drive back. I did not mean to drink the rest of the bottle, but it was so good it was a shame to waste it and by the end of the meal, there was none left.
In the ladies’, after the meal, I apologized to the lady. She waved away my concern. ‘Your young man’s a gem, love. I’m fine. Looking like that, you can’t lose. When he pops the question, don’t turn him down will you? You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.’
I smiled, hoping my incomprehension did not show, and went out to find Leigh waiting to take my hand.
I floated beside him on the short walk to the theatre, through mild evening air and under streetlamps that made everything glow. Men in the street followed me with their eyes and I liked it. In the theatre, the men were all polite and charming, the women distant or pleasant. All my life, men and women had ignored me or had insulted me and treated me like a fool without feelings.
The wine and attention combined to intoxicate me so that I felt alive and joyful. I was a blind person suddenly gifted with sight, a deaf person suddenly hearing music. I was admired and liked and appreciated after so many years of being despised, ignored and shunned. It was the most wonderful evening of my life.
The theatre was full of unexpected delights. The amazing arcs of soft crimson seats, the huge curtained stage, the blue, gold and cream of the decorated ceiling. Leigh advised me how I should behave and I took my lead from him, falling silent as the curtains moved away to reveal the stage. But finding it difficult not to comment on the inaccuracies of the story until I realised this was a story, like a novel, not a truthful depiction of the facts.
The show was amazing. Songs that gave warmth and feeling to the cold familiar words of Father’s teachings. Songs that removed the emphasis on sin and retribution, replacing it with mercy and love. The figure I had worshipped all my life as a cold, hard symbol became a man with a heart and emotions. I saw Him with failings, and feelings and doubts and desires, and I knew without doubt that both Father and his doctrine were wrong, wrong, wrong.
At the interval, when they invited the audience to join them on stage for wine I needed no urging. Leigh kept looking at me with wonder. I think he felt unsure of me, felt as if he was with a different woman from the girl who’d climbed into his car that morning. That was how I felt.
On the way back to the car park, he offered me his jacket because the night had grown chill. But I felt alive and warm. I wanted no encumbrances; nothing to hide the magic of my new attractive looks. I wanted to move and run and dance and sing. I felt so full of wonderful joy and elation, so overflowing with new feelings.
‘Leigh, I’ve had the most wonderful day of my life. I don’t know how to begin to thank you. You’ve brought me life and joy and warmth and admiration and confidence and, oh, Leigh, I’m just bursting with gratitude.’
I pulled him close and reached up and kissed his lips the way I’d seen Abby kiss him. His short beard was soft against my skin, his lips warm and gentle against mine. He held me close so that our bodies were touching and his hands clasped my shoulder and my waist. I felt safe and protected, desired and vaguely at risk in that embrace and I wanted it to go on forever. That contact made my whole body tingle, and deep within that private place where I was everywoman, I felt stirrings of delight that, even through the haze of my intoxication, were disturbing and full of promise.
‘Come on, little princess, let’s get you into the car before I do something we’ll both regret.’ He opened the door and helped me into the seat.
We drove with soft night music flowing in between us and I must have floated into sleep at some time on the journey.
Before I knew it, we were at the bottom of the steep track to Father’s cottage and Leigh was softly waking me. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay with him. ‘Take me back to Longhouse, Leigh. Take me home with you.’
‘There’s a light on in the cottage. Your father’s watching through the window.’
‘Let him. I don’t care.’
‘I think you might, in the morning.’
I’ve no idea what persuaded me to go back to the cottage that night, the way I was feeling. Leigh seemed to think it would be best and I was disposed to please him. He walked beside me, carrying a torch in one hand, my old and new clothes in carrier bags in the other.
Father opened the door as we approached and I stumbled on the rough surface and had to lean against Leigh to avoid falling. He said nothing as we reached the door and Leigh handed him the bags.
‘She’s tired and a little overwhelmed. Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t fix. You have an extraordinary daughter, Mr Heacham; a truly remarkable young woman.’ He turned to me and, in spite of the danger, I wanted him to kiss me there and then in front of Father. ‘Goodnight, Faith. And thank you for a wonderful day. See you in the morning, an hour later than usual, I think, don’t you?’
‘You’re the boss, Leigh. Whatever you say.’


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